FUCK YOUR RESOLUTIONS
Not that the ideas themselves are awful, because you’re probably well meaning & optimistic, if ill prepared and unreasonable.
The fault of yours at which I’m looking & discussing is this: you should have started earlier.When? I have no idea, nor do I care to find out.
I’ll use some of the more obvious resolutions as examples, because being truly hard core is never narrow minded.
What made you start now? The New Year means jack shit to most of your goals. You didn’t get fat overnight. You didn’t start smoking yesterday. You were irresponsible with money last month, too. Letting the opposite sex rule your life? I bet that wasn’t a problem just in 2011.
You may have ignored your annoyingly positive fat hippie friend on Facebook each of the 2,341 times they posted and reposted and retweeted this over the last week, but it’s true:

You get to start over… EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

That you’ve waited for an irrelevant chronological event is indicative of your poor resolve and legitimate expectation of failure. You’re fucking awful, or you wouldn’t have waited till now.
“If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it. The more things you do, the more you can do.” –Lucille Ball
Presents?
Most of them don't really matter.
If you were prepared and motivated to make necessary changes in your life, you wouldn’t have gained that extra 10 (20? 30?) pounds in the first place, and you wouldn’t have overspent at Christmas on people who probably don’t give a shit anyway. If you had half of the self-respect you think you’ll have in March, you wouldn’t have ignored that your boyfriend (girlfriend/husband/wife) has been cheating on you, and handled it appropriately.
New hairdo? See your friends more often? Tell your Mom that you love her? Why wait to do any of those?
Take another week off, maybe two, before you start trying to change anything. Make a detailed list of pro’s and cons, but be honest with yourself. Why have you failed? What will be different this time? In most cases, your bad habits didn’t start overnight, and won’t change overnight, either.
Want to quit smoking? What are you going to do with that extra $200/month? Gym membership and supplements? Pay off credit cards?
Want to save money? Quit going out to eat. This means Starbucks. You do not need coffee that costs as much as a pack of cigarettes, and requires a different language to order.
Want to lose weight? Don’t buy junk food. Make sure you have healthy snacks. (Granola bars and fruit do not count as healthy snacks. Nuts, vegetables, & anything meat-based do count.) Quit drinking soda pop — THIS INCLUDES DIET. Quit drinking alcohol.
Find any excuse to move more, lifting or not. If you’re in control of what goes in your mouth, who’s to blame if you fuck up?
Most importantly: Don’t quit on yourself. That’s fucking awful. Unless you are with Sugar Daddy, you can not logically count on anyone outside of yourself to do what you need to do.
It’s ok to blame yourself, it’s ok to stumble and even to fall, but GET THE FUCK UP. Very few people who make “it” (whatever “it” is) have had it easy. Almost nobody lucks out.
SheDevil
She doesn't look like that by mistake.
Ever watch a two-year-old run? It’s like they’re a drunk midget wearing a blindfold. They fall, and they get back up. Come to think of it, they almost bounce.
Ever watch Usain Bolt? He was once two years old. Used to bounce, now he flies.
Stop talking about your goals. Did you discuss your failures every day while making all of the decisions that brought you here? Probably not. Shut up and get it done. Many people will listen and pretend to care, but will be judging you, expecting you to fail, or at worst, completely apathetic.
Let them SEE the changes you make. Be an example, not a talker.
Every time I walk into my local gym for the next three months, I will cringe and growl at least twice every 5 minutes, and it’s probably at you. If you’re still there in March and April, I may strike up a conversation. In June and July, while everyone else is having a BBQ and we’re still lifting, I’ll answer your question about why I’m doing what I’m doing. In September, I’ll ask why you’re doing what you’re doing, and tell you why overhead squatting on a bosu ball with chains or curling in the squat rack is not a good idea.
And in December, we’ll share dread of the new Resolutioners.

That was awesome! If you have a sense of humor it works. Also, it can apply to those of us who love at home workouts. You see the moms at school dropping kids off in their pilates pants from January to February....but when you're the only mom still in your workout gear come May...you know what's up...